#24- I want to grow

So early this morning I was kinda dragging. I swear I have two modes and only two modes; out of control productive maniac, and sloth. Luckily sloth only comes out 10% of the time. But man sloth mode is ultra slothy. I did eventually get my act together around 10:00am, but ya know what I was doing during this molasses of a state? I know you are already guessing it. Cuz I have a feeling if this blog even remotely interests you (ya know business, making things happen, etc), that you maybe do it too.

I was beating myself up a bit.

Cuz that’s what we productive people do right? We shame ourselves from time to time when we aren’t at peak level. Can I just say, I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m going to try not to do that anymore.

Anyway, that’s actually not what this post is about. So this morning as I was making my instant Folgers coffee (I just don’t want to hear it, we like what we like) I heard a singer I’ve always admired, Jennifer Knapp, say these words, “Time makes fools of us all.” And I in my half coma I was like, ‘yea. Yea. It does’. Here’s what came to mind for me….twenty something Marissa with the business, the traveling to cool places, the committed relationship, the faith, the formula, all the good things… she lacked empathy. True empathy for the everyday hardships. Things like I hate my job. Or I don’t know what to do next with my life. You get the idea.  I always thought I could fix it for people, or had the answers. In a loving way, but still in an annoying way. Pray more diligently, make better decision, healthier choices, get up earlier, work hard. Are you doing morning devotions? Are you praying for the wrong things? Are you scheduling things correctly. This was a majority of my well intentioned advice, if asked. Ask one of my besties Candice, not sure why, but she got the brunt of it, for reasons still unknown to me. Formal apology coming soon Candy.

While I wasn’t quite as annoying as I sound like I was, mostly just trying to make a point here, I don’t want to be her anymore. And it took some life experience to say that now I’m not.

I just want to listen. Not blab. Not solve or even tinker. This is what the RISE sessions are about. Letting people purge a little and then re-establishing a higher vision. Dreaming. Fostering the beauty and accepting the ashes, but painting a new picture. I don’t want to construct to-do lists, I mean unless it’s a biz consult, then heck yes! Love to do lists. My point is though, even though I’m in a season of being ultra busy and can’t quite make the time for people that I want to, I still know I’m a better friend these days. I really feel that. And I want to continue to provide a space where people can be open around me and I can be open around them as well too. I’m so excited to do that.

Then, later in the day, on a sunset run I was still thinking. I mean what else is there to do on a run. I heard one of my favorite Jimmy Eat World lines…

“You’re not bigger than this, not better
What can’t you learn?
You’re not bigger than this, not better
What can’t you learn?”

I told myself I need to remember this lesson. I wanted to write it down. I want learn, and I want it to sink in.

Ok, so maybe time makes fools of us all. But, maybe, feeling foolish is okay. Maybe feeling foolish means you’ve had a lesson, and you aren’t too scared to evaluate who you really are? To share it.  And try to grow.

I want to grow.

 

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Image by Deena Cormier